+JMJ
You know those moments when you are eating from a bag of potato chips and all of a sudden they are gone. You have eaten the entire bag without even realizing it. You weren’t even hungry, but had no trouble finishing that bag. It amazes me how often that actually happens. Not just with food, but in other areas of my life too, such as binge watching a TV show, or being unaware of the feelings of those around me. This numbness is easy to overlook and justify, but has serious spiritual consequences.
During Holy Week this year there was a focus for me on the unending sacrificial love of our Lord. The greatness of it and the feeling of it. A greatness that is often lost to me in everyday life. I forget Him. I am often numb to His workings and I am ashamed to admit it, but it is the truth. Through the following contemplation and mediation He shows me how greatly He feels my sins, and how He calls me also to feel, not only them, but Him too.
The Agony In the Garden
And He was withdrawn away from them a stone’s cast, and kneeling down, He prayed saying, “Father if Thou wilt, remove this chalice from Me, but yet not My will, but Thine be done.”
And there appears to Him an angel from heaven, strengthening Him. And being in an agony, He prayed the longer. And His sweat became as drops of blood, trickling down upon the ground. And when He rose up from prayer and was come to the disciples, He found them sleeping for sorrow.
And He said to them, “Why sleep you? Arise, pray, lest you enter into temptation.” -Luke 22:41-46
My Contemplation
I approach the Lord in the Garden of Olives. He is slouched over, kneeling sitting upon His feet. His hands are folded gently in His lap. I can feel the weariness coming off of Him like steam from a lake on a cold night.
He whispers so quietly, “Dost thou love Me?” And I can feel His increasing pain, humiliation, and grief.
He whispers again, “Dost thou love Me?” I can feel the weight of His oppression, anguish, agony, and desolation.
He whispers a third time, “Dost thou love Me?”
And I can feel the excess of suffering He willingly bore.
Meditation
These are the words I should keep at the forefront of my mind. “Dost thou love Me?” Because He calls me to love Him in all things.
This life is a battle, especially Spiritually. There is a conflict within myself. Between my heart, mind, and soul. But love of Him conquers the war within, which when fought alone, is doomed to fail. I would be conquered without His help, whom I should approach pallid and trembling for aid. A humble prayer from the weary heart moves His Sacred Heart to provide compassionate aid. Even though my sins have lacerated that same loving heart.
When will the sway of sin end in my heart? Do I love Him? Looking at His suffering love it should be easy to reject the enemy. But it is difficult… The pain is not the problem, it is the numbness. The lack of feeling for the true state of my soul, which is dirty and wretched, keeps me from a full rejection of the enemy. There is a callous disregard for the love of my Sorrowful Savior, that keeps me running from Him.
And then there is my Lord, who feels every instant of every sin I have ever committed. My sins oppress Him, like a thousand lashes, revealing the very bones that are His. Revealing the core of Him, which is love. I was made to feel things deeply, and yet I try so hard to bury those feelings deep in the abyss of numbness.
The disciples had fallen asleep. “Dost thou love Me?” Are the words that lull them into that grievous slumber. He asked them to stand watch with Him for one hour, and He feels the whole bitterness of their abandonment. After spending so much time with them, to be left in such lonely agony. All the time He has devoted to me, and I too, have abandoned Him. Am I mindful of Him? I find myself unaware of His presence in my life. In all things I should take heed of Him. In every instant He pours forth His endless love. A drop of grace in each moment of the day. Each second a kiss of His love.
Sometimes I am just going through the motions. Not feeling good or bad, indifferent in a way. I do not hear Him, or know Him, or listen to Him. Though sometimes I do, and flat out ignore Him. What a shameful thing to do to my loving Savior. The numbness is damaging because I do not see the pain and suffering I am causing Him. The agony and desolation it places on Him. On the one that has never caused me any such pain, though may allow some suffering in order to show me the magnitude of His love.
The Lord showed me through His words to Peter, just how important it is to be aware of Him and how deeply He loves me. How deeply He feels for me. On the other hand, the numbness spread through forgetfulness and indifference leads me to continue “down the road to perdition.” He showed me how the numbness makes it easy for me to ignore His voice and cause the great oppression He felt in the garden.
My Friends, ask the Lord to make you aware of Him this week. Ask Him to show you were there is a numbness that is keeping you from growing closer to Him. Ask Him to let you feel His presence completely.
Thrive in Jesus, my Friends!
What are you numb too? Where/when do you notice the Lord the most? When/where do you notice Him the least? Leave me a comment and let me know!
New to Contemplative Prayer? Go here to learn more!