I Am Not Hopeless
+JMJ
Sometimes sitting down to pray is hard. Sometimes the passage I use makes me feel absolutely nothing. Sometimes I have so many distractions. Sometimes I feel like giving up on my meditation altogether.
I was meditating with a focus on Hope this week. It has been a relatively “eh” prayer week. No real consolations or desolations, just kind of mind dumps for my journaling.
Until I got to the Sunday gospel….
James and John
And James and John the sons of Zebedee, come to Him, saying, “Master, we desire that whatsoever we shall ask, Thou wouldst do it for us.”
But He said to them, “What would you that I should do for you?”
And they said, “Grant to us, that we may sit, one on Thy right hand, and the other on Thy left hand, in Thy glory.”
And Jesus said to them, “You know not what you ask. Can you drink of the chalice that I drink of: or be baptized with the baptism wherewith I am baptized?”
But they said to Him, “We can.”
And Jesus said to them, “You shall indeed drink of the chalice that I drink of: and the baptism wherewith I am baptized, you shall be baptized. But to sit on My right hand, or on My left, is not Mine to give to you, but to them for whom it is prepared.”
And the ten hearing it, began to be much displeased at James and John.
But Jesus calling them, saith to them, “You know that they who seem to rule over the Gentiles, lord it over them, and their princes have power over them. But it is not so among you, but whosoever will be greater, shall be your minister. And whosoever will be first among you, shall be the servant of all. For the Son of Man also is not come to be ministered unto, but to minister, and to give His life a redemption for many.”
-Mark 10:35-45
My Meditation
I really struggled to put myself into this scene. I really struggled to focus on it at all, to be perfectly honest. It was a little alarming. I felt so much inner turmoil, angst, anxiety, and disdain. I struggled with these feeling for a few minutes. I almost gave up several times and just ending my prayer time all together.
That’s when I recognized what may be going on:
1. The Lord is trying to get me to see something. An obstacle that is keeping me from Him.
2. The enemy is trying to keep me from seeing and understanding what is going on, in order to keep control over me in some way.
So, I closed my eyes and begged the Lord to give me some clarity.
I watch the scene play out. I see James and John talking together off by themselves. They are animated but not arguing. The Lord knows what is in their hearts. He knows they want to speak with Him, and He knows what they want to ask.
They wait for an opportunity to go to Jesus and speak to Him privately. Our Lord goes off by Himself to pray, and I watch as they approach Him, without reservation, with confidence, and full of hope.
A hopeful confidence….
Getting Stuck
I kept getting stuck at that point. I would start from the beginning over and over again, but was unable to move past the point where James and John approach our Lord.
Floods of questions entered my mind.
The first one was why did my Lord make James and John ask out loud, when He already knew what was in their hearts? This turned into, “What do I need to say aloud, Lord? What is in my heart that needs to be said aloud?”
As I watch James and John approach my Lord, I feel a hesitation in my heart. A sort of “yuckiness,” for lack of a better word, that stops me from following the Apostles to Him. There is a pause in me and a drawing away from my Lord. It is here that I realize that I could not do what they did. I would be too afraid to approach Him to ask for something so great. They could have been thinking how close they wanted to be to Him and how favored they wanted to be by Him for all eternity.
“What is keeping me from approaching you, Lord?”
I am overwhelmed by a feeling of hopelessness as I ask the question. It was unlike anything I had every felt before. Hopelessness that forced me into despair. So heavy, almost suffocating. This mixed with a deep feeling of failure, unworthiness, and shame because of all my sins.
I look up and meet the eyes of Jesus and I realize this feeling has been locked away in my heart for a very long time. That this feeling of me being hopelessly lost, a lost cause, had never even crossed my mind before, but it had been locked away, festering and separating me from Him. Unknown to me.
He turns to me, and says over and over again, “Lily, you are not hopeless. Lily, you are not hopeless.”
Each time He says the words I am released from the power of that feeling little by little. I collapse in a sobbing heap at His feet, as He keeps repeating the words: “You are not hopeless.” Each time cleansing and healing this wound that had been left open, untreated, and left to suppurate.
It is amazing how my heart can be so easily blinded. He showed me that my mind did not see what was hidden within my heart. All the turmoil I was feeling was the enemy trying to keep it hidden. He likes to work in secret. Concealing his workings so he can lord these things over me. Hold them above my head to keep me under his direction. To get me to give up on the specific passage so I wouldn’t see it. This is why it needed to be said aloud. My Lord knew it was in my heart, but I had to say it so I could see it. Otherwise, it would have continued being hidden and keep me separated from the Lord.
He has called me to approach Him with Hopeful Confidence, revealing that He can heal all things. Even things I was completely unaware of in my heart.
Thrive in Jesus, my Friends!
What obstacles have you found in prayer? Has the Lord ever shown you something you were blind too? What do you see that is keeping you from a close relationship with our Lord? Has the Lord healed you from hopelessness? How? Leave me a comment and let me know!
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