+JMJ
I have found myself in a persistent state of desolation lately. I wont speak much of desolation itself here, but will write a post in the future concerning it.
For the purposes of this post I will describe it as a darkness, filled with inner turmoil, and restlessness. It is a time where the devil particularly likes to work. He likes to increase the turmoil and restlessness, and bring about despair. It is easy to be completely consumed by the darkness he propagates.
It is a time where depressive thoughts creep in:
- God does not love me.
- You aren’t praying right.
- You don’t know how to pray.
- God has abandoned you.
But the Lord will reveal these statements for what they are: LIES. Coming from the mouth of the Prince of Lies. The Lord will show me that being able to sit in the darkness in peace and confident trust in Him, is a skill that needs to be practiced and developed over time through His grace.
The following contemplation did not spring from any scripture passage in particular, but simply infused from the turnings of my thoughts on desolation and sin.
My Contemplation
I woke up in the middle of the night a couple days ago. This is unusually for me. The Lord blesses me with the gift of being able to fall asleep as soon as my head hits the pillow and sleep pretty much through the whole night. It felt almost too late and too early at the same time.
I couldn’t fall back asleep, so I turned my heart to Jesus, “Why did you wake me up, Lord? What do You want to say to me?”
He gave me the image of Himself, Crowned with Thorns. I fall to my knees at His feet prepared to listen. A strange black ooze seemed to spring up from His feet, and flow towards me. A sticky, yucky, burning black ooze. I can feel an oppressiveness radiating from it. That feeling when it is really hot and really humid outside. When everything feels so much more difficult, even breathing.
I look back up at my Lord, confused. But He stands eyes turned to the floor, quiet, and unmoving. I watch as the black sludge rises and covers my legs as I kneel before Him. It is thick and slimy making it impossible for me to stand or wipe off. Despite my desperate attempts to shake it off.
It left me uneasy and distraught. I immediately dismissed it as being from the devil, and begged the Lord to send Him away from me. I was able to sleep peacefully the rest of the night, but had it on my mind all the next day.
The dark ooze, the darkness. I couldn’t stop thinking about the way it moved. Undulating, almost alive in itself. Overpowering my movement and my thoughts, making me feel just stuck.
I brought this to the feet of the Lord and it was there that I realized that the oozing darkness wasn’t from Jesus Himself, like I thought the devil was trying to portray it as. Instead, I see my Lord allowing me to feel the darkness tangibly, in order to reveal that He is there. Even when I feel the repulsiveness of the festering darkness and despair. He wants me to turn to Him, even if, He remains still and silent. Even when He offers no consolations, only a dryness in my soul.
The words echo within me, “Do not fear the darkness where I leave you, waiting, because My love is all consuming.”
I can see I need to turn to Him, be steadfast in patience, and remain ready to heed His voice. This is aided by keeping the sweet consolations He has given me at the forefront of my prayer. It provides the strengthening and fuel for patience. The light in the darkness.
I wanted to share a Poem written by St. John of the Cross because it describes what I am trying to portray here. To be lost in the darkness,b it keeping focused on the goodness and love of God. Because it is Him and Him alone, who can light the way.
Poem of St. John of the Cross
How well I know that fountain’s rushing flow.
Although by night.
It’s deathless spring is hidden. Even so full well I guess from whence its sources flow
Though it be night.
It’s origin (since it has none) none knows: But that all origin from it arose.
Although by night.
I know there is no other thing so fair and earth and even drink refreshment there.
Although by night.
Full well I know its depth no man can sound. And that no ford to cross it can be found.
Though it be night.
It’s clarity unclouded still shall be: out of it comes the light which we see.
Though it be night.
Flush with its banks the stream so proudly swells; I know it waters nations, heavens, and hells.
Though it be night.
The current that is nourished by this source I know to be omnipotent in force.
Although by night.
From source and current a new current swells, which neither of the other twain excels.
Though it be night.
The eternal source hides in the Living Bread, that we with life eternal may be fed.
Though it be night.
Here to all creatures, it is crying, hark! That they should drink their fill though in the dark.
For it is night.
This living fount which is to me so dear within the Bread of LIfe I see it clear.
Though it be night.
Thrive in Jesus, My Friends!
Have you ever experienced desolation in prayer? What lies does the devil speak in your life? How do you combat them?
Leave a comment and let me know!
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